Chapter 1
1. And it came to pass that the church gathered together for a meeting, saying, "Surely this one shall be brief."
2. And they were wrong.
3. For there arose among them a question concerning the color of the fellowship hall walls.
4. And one said, "Beige is the color of humility."
5. Another replied, "Nay, beige is the color of surrender."
6. Then a third stood and testified, "The Lord spoke unto me while I was in the paint aisle at Lowe's."
7. And everyone became suddenly uncomfortable.
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Chapter 2: Concerning Music
1. There were those who declared, "The hymns of our youth are the only songs pleasing unto God."
2. Others answered, "The Lord has also created guitars and amplified keyboards."
3. This saying caused much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
4. Then an elder proclaimed, "What if we sang both?"
5. But no one heard him, for everyone was already composing strongly worded emails.
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Chapter 3: The Thermostat
1. Blessed are they who control the thermostat, for they shall be accused by everyone.
2. The young declared, "It is too warm."
3. The old declared, "It is too cold."
4. The preacher quietly sweated through another sermon.
5. And the Spirit continued working despite the temperature.
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Chapter 4: Parking
1. Verily I say unto you, if thy legs are able, park farther away.
2. Leave the closest spaces for the elderly, the disabled, and parents carrying children who have somehow misplaced one shoe.
3. For this is more pleasing unto God than placing thy family name upon a parking spot.
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Chapter 5: Potluck
1. Bring something.
2. If thou hast not prepared anything, bring ice.
3. If thou hast not brought ice, bring tea.
4. If thou hast brought neither, at least bring thyself with gratitude.
5. And whosoever complaineth concerning another's casserole shall wash every crockpot until the end of the fellowship.
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Chapter 6: Meetings
1. Let every person who saith, "I have just one more thing," be viewed with suspicion.
2. If thy announcement requireth fifteen minutes, it is no longer an announcement.
3. If thy committee meeteth more often than it serveth, reconsider thy committee.
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Chapter 7: Social Media
1. Before posting, ask thyself:
2. Is it true?
3. Is it kind?
4. Is it necessary?
5. And if it beginneth with, "Some people need to hear this..." perhaps thou art one of those people.
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Chapter 8: The Pastor
1. Thou shalt not expect the pastor to attend every meeting, every birthday, every hospital visit, every committee, every fundraiser, every rehearsal, and every softball game.
2. For the pastor is but one person.
3. Even Jesus occasionally slipped away to be alone.
4. And Jesus did not have email.
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Chapter 9: Children
1. Let the little ones make noise.
2. For a noisy church is often a living church.
3. Fear not the sound of laughter.
4. Be more concerned when the halls grow silent.
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Chapter 10: Benediction
1. Above all these things, love one another.
2. For no soul hath ever been persuaded by winning an argument about carpet.
3. Nor hath the Kingdom advanced because the bulletin used a different font.
4. But kindness hath converted hearts that cleverness never could.
5. Go now in peace.
6. And if thou must reply all... repent first.
